Marcus Zahner V: That strange eerie feeling !!!!

It feels so strange. The inherent compulsion to avoid crowds had been growing by every day. Why was this ? Was is it the fear if being judged ? Proabably that.

Never had I felt, so awkward, whilst attending gatherings or any public occasion. The question of 'why' popped up far too often. Why should I go there ? I remembered something - 'Don't do something which will not help either you or others'. In this case, I had over applied this particular statement.

I felt a feeling of not being cared a damn by others. It was strange eerie feeling. It was one of the those times, when you dont think of anything. Nothing feels good, nothing bad. But just a feeling of why-to-do.

I felt like a zombie. But one purpose in life stood out more than anything else. It had superceded every other feeling, every other emotion. It had felt the same last time. But the last time, I was deep down in sorrow, with a compulsive restraint - not to go out for social gatherings. But strangely this time, there was no feeling of restraint. But just a simple thought - 'What would I do there ? and Why should I go there ? '

Perhaps, I was content being the way I was. No Strings attached. Just an assumed calm surrounded me, as I single-mindedly held my attention to my sole purpose in life. For I had a lot at stake. I understand the enormity of the situation.

And so does life go on for me.
Amidst constant ramblings of why's rather than how's-
I struggle to keep myself above water.
I am not tensed.
So, I am tensed as to why am I not tensed.
This insatiable vortex pulls me down.
May be it doesn't.
May be I am just fine.
May be I was just myself.

- Marcus Zahner