Prisoner's Diary II: Troubled Dreams, Troubled Times

It was quite remarkable. His increase to the top echelons of Arthur was nothing short of a spectacle in a Salim-Javed movie. He had made quite a mark for himself in his short tenure at Arthur. He was called ‘Juggler’ by his inmates - for all his accounts of forgery and jugaad. He was - as his ‘Arthur seniors’ said- at the pink of his prison age - An age when you are young but yet enjoy the clout and privileges that a senior would have. He was in the right company. Knowing the right people was just so important - whether in prison or out of it. He had learnt it long back during his time on the streets. He had been elevated to comforts that others would probably not have.

Like the game of dice at deCosta’s place. Most inmates – especially young ones - would consider themselves fortunate enough to stand along with the Arthur greats. There was an unwritten rule that prohibited anyone less than ten years from even visiting The Adda. But for Juggler, things were different. He had acquired that enigmatic persona at Arthur. Rules were bent – just to accommodate him at the Adda. He was good at it. People would bet on him to win. And certainly they did. He had almost acquired that Midas touch – something Sam ‘Ace’ Rostein would boast of.

But today things seemed different. He was not a part of the routine sessions at Arthur. He kept to himself throughout the day. Something was eating him up all over again. The last six years seemed to have razed out everything but for his shock at the loss of people’s trust. He was not the ‘Juggler’ – that people at Arthur knew. It was as if the clocks had gone back by six years. And he was the new inmate at Arthur. It was evening.

“Over all men and material, people fawn the crown
Behind the glass ceiling -in a world of their own
All that I felt, all that I thought;
Was a world I was 'shown', driven by hindsight?
I was just a sheep in the crowd.
For a few men ruled, and thousand enslaved
Whom do I fear?
Was it my thought? Was it my past?
Was it the crown? Was it – the unknown?
But a fear lurked. Took away my freedom
And I am – what I always was.
An outsider - always an outsider

Life has often perplexed me with such enduring thoughts,
About how am I being perceived by the society?
How my old friends taking to this ‘changed self’.

As we go ahead in life, we change for the good or for the bad.
But we change for sure.
As they say – change is the only constant.
And sadly in my case, I changed for the bad.

The point of introspection is to investigate the things –
That I was ready to accept as a part of this change,
Or who is ultimately affected by this change in me.
Thereby, understanding ‘me’ would be my biggest challenge right now.
For all that I do, least that I can do, is to try and understand
What I truly think and represent!!”

And such went the day. He had been confused before. But never did he take up things with such radical intensity. But today was different. He thought about his people -people whom he had trusted all his life. He seemed shattered. He was deserted. He wanted to cry - cry out loud. But he had been a part of ‘men’; and crying was nothing but a cowardly act. His life on the street had just concreted that strong exterior. He was not able to spout out that feeling inside him. He had barely spoken with anyone about this.

Dham! Dham! He got up with a jerk. It was the warden. He was back to reality. He looked at the place around. It was his prison. “Kya Mishra sahib…? “, he grumbled. But the warden did not speak anything. Not one filthy word floated around. The warden just gazed at him. He looked back. A smirk ran across his face. He had ‘graduated’ recently. The warden would never mess around with him now. But the sheer shrillness in the eyes of the warden once again reminded him of his days as a ‘novice’. That infectious smirk infuriated the warden. He banged his truncheon on the prison door. There was nothing else the warden could do. The past six years had reduced the warden to such frivolous manifestations of anger. The warden made his way through the dark corridor. And he dozed off. It was a troubled night for him. And his companion – the cockroach was back after his daily chores.

Search for objectivity in this subjective world

I believe that the search for objectivity begins with your view of the world and ends up with yourself, because that’s the only part of ‘your’ tangible world left in front of you. I have always been enchanted on the powers of some people to disengage themselves from the problem and yet look for a solution. In other words, being objective about the problem. This simply grants them an extra degree of freedom vis-à-vis the case of being inside the problem and being subjective about it. With this understanding, I embarked on a journey to understand if objectivity is an answer to all the myriad questions that life posed.

But even before I understand the powers of objectivity, I decided to test if I can be objective in the first place, let alone knowing whether objectivity works or not. Then I decided to use the principle of induction and see if objectivity actually works at every stage.

For someone who stayed in Mumbai – indeed the microcosm of India - I always felt that objectivity came much more easily. I was able to look into the various sides with poise. I was a part of one world, while my lineage was a part of the other. This distinction allowed me a balanced view of both worlds. But when I extrapolate this to the higher worlds, I found myself quite inept at being objective. I was reduced to a person – being passionate and subjective about the worlds in which he existed - And was never able to rise above the problem to see the problem. And hence, was never granted a balanced view.

But the more I tried, the more I found it was Godly. I was too simply human to do that. It is not without reason that people often make an argument that God simply cannot be defined because he exists outside the parameters of this 3D world. Now, only when He exists outside this 3D, can He actually see everyone inside this 3D world. And hence, qualifies to become someone who can watch over us. But is that humanely possible to leave this 3D world, which we see in front of our eyes? For me that would be ultimate level of objectivism, where you are no longer are a part of the very system, in which you currently are. Hence, as said before, this gives you an extra dimension and hence, an extra degree of freedom - to make decision. Indeed, Mathematics and God worked so close to each other!!!

It is similar to the case, when you compare yourself with others. At one instant of time, you would say that – “For sure, I am better than him”. And then think over it, that probably you were too arrogant to say that. Probably, he was better than you. But the very next instant, you conjure that you are too critical of yourself. And so does the pendulum swing from one end to the other in search of an equilibrium – which is never to be found. It is because here the object and subject are the same – You. Hence, I believe that being my normal self – it is difficult for me, to achieve that kind of objectivism. But nevertheless, it was not impossible.

All that I think of the world is nothing new. It had been done before and would be done over and over again. For philosophy is just like a stock market crash. And it’s interesting to know what they say of a stock market crash – ‘Whenever the stock market crashes, the new investors learn the same old rules –Again - Once again.” Thus, now I comprehend the beauty of the problem. Ironically, it is not the novelty, but its subjective nature that makes it unique.