Marcus Zahner II: Upsurge to the light

Continued...

I am poised at a distinct point in my life, where I am neither left with the vision to look into my future nor the clarity to analyze the misdoings of my wretched past. With an accruing list of failures in the past, life presents me with an ultimatum - 'perform or perish’.

The night was long. I had spent the whole night contemplating my options. I was preparing myself. Amidst all this, the rays of light were making their way out – tearing through the clouds and were gradually lighting up the entire sky. It was the crack of the dawn. It was as if nature was talking to me – “Tear the darkest of clouds in your mind. Let those tiny rays of positive thoughts make their way – And victory will be yours.”I felt better.

All through my life, I had to choose between two paths, one which is the suitable path and one which is right. And my elders would always advise me to take the right one. However, life at this juncture offers me only one forward path - A path which is going to be a rough road with pot holes and puddles of mud. Pot-holes which can zero your efforts at any point of time and slashes of mud which the weird world throws at you, without even knowing the situation you are in. A path where your victory is not guaranteed. Yet, I decide to take this path - because life offers me neither choices nor its fancy illusions. It’s my only chance to redeem myself in my own eyes - My only chance to make-up for the misdeeds in the past.

Life, at various instances has presented to me, the magic of “Luck, Labor and Chance". The three things that help catapult a man from the league of mundane gentlemen to the company of distinguished successful people. However, when you run out of luck and life offers you no chances, your only fight is ‘Labor’ - Your only guide to realizing your potential. So, I decide to give all that I have. And I decide to force every bit of might that I could amass to ready myself for the onslaught of dejections.

In this losing battle, amidst all the negativities surrounding me, where I have more to lose and nothing much to gain, I look to HIM as my ultimate source of inspiration. I pick myself up, on the very words that my MASTER would say - “Always put up a fight. If you do so, you might or might not win. However, if you don’t, you would certainly lose.” HE has been my light-house in my heuristic journey - Someone who might not give me the best in the world, but always pushes me to aspire for the best.

Along with this, I carry a belief that I have nurtured for years now - The doors to success are always difficult to open. It is because life allows only those people to succeed, who want to achieve their dreams against all odds. That door is precisely kept to provide a sense of purpose to all those who believe that if you need something badly, the whole universe acts in consonance to help you achieve that dream.*

With all HIS support and my unshaken belief, I am determined to take this wily road, a tough one to triumph, an effort where I might not be vindicated and I might fail. However, every time I look into the mirror, I can proudly say, “I tried". It is this thought that provides me, the endurance to take on this fierce journey. A journey, I have never seen in my life before.

*: Thanks Coelho for this wonderful thought!!!

Marcus Zahner I: Reflections in the dark

Note: This is a fictional account of Marcus Louis Zahner, the commander of Gordinola. Following is his story during the 'Battle of Earth' against Penhaskia.

It was a beautiful starry night. The sky was glowing in its fullest bright. It had bestowed us with a shower of thousand stars. There was silence all over. But it was scary. It was the silence of the dead. There were bodies all around me - And silent mourning. My men were lamenting the loss of their brave brothers – Brave Gordinolans. They had stood for me – even in times, when death was staring at them. But the day was brutal – an assault nothing less vicious than the attack on a poor deer by a pride of lions. It was a day; I wish I never see again.

The congenial period of preparation was over. The battle lines were drawn. Right from the time, the battle bell had rung; Zelekos (Commander of Penhaskia) had marched with vigor and unseen ferociousness. We faced an army as vast as the expansive sky and armor as powerful as the mighty ocean - an enemy fiercer than anything we had seen before. With paucity of arms and ammunition on our side, we face the most difficult battle in our lives - A battle which goes beyond arms and ammunition - A battle of who-wins-the-game-of-wits. But I was losing it. Falling as a pawn to my worthy opponents

In this war for supremacy of the earth, one has to go down and the other would emerge victorious. Am I destined to be the loser at this? Was I simply not justifying the Gordinolan pride? Was it a wrong battle to enter in the first place? Did I over-estimate my abilities as a commander? Or was it simply that destiny had chosen this way for me? Destiny!! Isn’t that the word, helpless people use; when they cannot have things their way? Aren’t the people who are destined to win, invariably the people, who have challenged destiny and made their way!!

I thought of my MASTER - The true emperor who laid more faith and belief in me than I could probably could ever have. How would HE plan this out if he was in this situation? Heck! He would never have led his country and fellowmen in such a position. But is retreat a choice? Hell No!! I am too far into this ugly battle - I had lost more resources than I could muster to fight this enemy at hand. My foe had this battle simply his way. And there was no way I see that myself standing true to the faith that HE had put in me. Was I failing my MASTER? Was I failing myself?

Questions! Questions! And more questions!! Should I have better analyzed my strengths and led this war? Am I betraying my people who had ornamented me with unlimited resources? Questions that I have no answers to!! I was at my own faults; having committed some strategic blunders - wrong decisions that had claimed the lives of my soldiers. I was tasting failure like never before.

Amidst dead soldiers, here I was – their commander - contemplating the choices that I had made. Wrong choices!! Wrong territory chosen for expansion!! A better scrutiny would have simply shown me that the Penhaskians would have had this battle their way, even before it started. Was I too arrogant and haughty to have condoned such glaringly simple facts? Though into this war, could I have chosen a better turf for this battle? A place where I could have played to my strengths! Again questions and questions!! Tormenting questions!! I can barely answer them. I am willing to pay the cost for my follies, but how would I substantiate the killing of my brave soldiers? All the wrongs have been done! And paid for! Quiet heavily!

But let bygones be bygones. I look to wake up to a different morning tomorrow. A morning which will be bright as ever – it raises a hope that I can salvage my pride. But tonight, all I see is darkness spread around this beautiful sky. My mind is not beautiful and brave anymore. Neither am I.

But even this cloud has its silver lining - 'There is no better position in life than being pushed down, with your back lying on the ground. It puts you in a place, where things can’t get worse anymore – it can only get positive.'

That moment of happiness

It was a long day of work. My boss got all cranky over the reduced budget this quarter - and suitably chose to remind me of my commitment to work. All I did was sulk inside, smile outside. But that was all forgotten. The day was over. It was six. I sat down on the banks of the lake, with a bottle of ''pop" in my hand.

The sun was settling upon its long day of work. So was I. The dark was waiting in the closet.Waiting to take over. I often wonder - of all the things in the world, if there could be any thing better than this. It was my favorite moment of the day. It was 'my comfort zone'. It was twilight.

Serene.Calm. Peace at its best. Geese floating all around. Making me feel proud of my voice.I chuckled. I looked up at the sky - a receding giant at its best.Oranges. Reds.And a splash of blue. It was as if nature had got its best painters to sketch this moment of magic. Probably, there is no better example of a gracious exit than the moment at twilight. The sun has to make its way out. It parts us in a manner which we all could 'stand up and appluad' or 'sit and enjoy'.This was my routine pill of happiness since I had been to this little town.It was happiness like never before.

As I sat by myself on the wonderful borders of the lake, I saw someone walking towards me. I looked carefully. I was dumb struck. It was a face that I would never forget for the rest of my life. Puzzled. Mesmerized. It looked as if the enchanting moon was down on this earth at this hour of twilight. Face pure as heaven. With a smile extending right throughout her face. Infectious as hell. It was a moment when I had forgetten everything around me. The sky. The lake. Everything. Nothing seemed to run through my mind.

She walked towards me. I tried to regain compusure. Changing my gawky mouthed 'awe' to standard 'american-hey-smile'. I couldn't have looked more worse. Our eyes met. She greeted me with a customary 'hi'. and smiled. I was still smiling as if it was my last moment on earth - And I was Don Corleone exclaiming - "What a life !!!"

She then turned away and made her way towards the other exit of the park. And I was still exasperated at the moment that had just passed by. In a couple of seconds, she turned and said " Have a good night" ."You too....and if only......" I was left muttering. And I was back to square one. Back with myself. I tapped myself on the head and chuckled - " What the &*%^ was that idiot"

Sometimes, I do realize the truth in the words that my friend had once said. " Tell me. What does that give you? That you end up giggling so much. Fleeting moment of happiness? As if she is gonna be with you forever. But you still feel as if it were to be our achievement.".So true he was.

But whatever. She had made my day. And had left a smile on my face.

Fat man's fairy tale

The most advertised products on the net other than beauty and hair products have to be weight-loss products.30-day programs, pills, herbal methods,tread mill, cardio, gym and one Indian channel also sprung up a reality show on this. All my life, I could never understand the logic behind this irrational exercise - until I saw myself going JakeLaMotta's way. Believe me, there is not-a-more helpless situation in this world, then seeing ur waistline increase at a rate, inflation grows in Zimbabwe. Both grow out of control.

Shahrukh’s 22-day program-Kareena’s size zero diet-anorexic model talks- I had seen them all. I also became a avid watcher of all those – teleshopping shows – reducing ur waist in 7 days. Every night, I ponder on how starting from the next day, I would do it all. Nice workout in the morning, strict diet throughout the day and away from cheese, burrtios, pasta....(omg!! the devil in my mind was already turned on !!! -- Stop it !!). My trousers wouldn’t fit me anymore. I had to be careful while walking, lest something ‘tear-ful’ happens. I was super-clumsy and carried the big-fat-pig tag with me. Huh!! I cannot bear it anymore.

Oooph!! I am panting!! Sorry I need a rest. My present size has left me to my heriditary lineage - breathing problems,asthma and what not.A big list to choose from. And my weight-increase was just helping me claim my family booty.

But today was it. After all those failed attempts, I decided. Made a vow to myself. Before the end of this month, I would reduce atleast 10 pounds. Started my day with a bang. I had planned what to eat during the whole day. A carefully worked out diet program - would put Kareena to shame. So, it went something like this: Simple breakfast of 2 eggs and one sandwich. Lunch containing plate of dal rice and 2 chapatis. A glass of milk for dinner.

I was determined. I held myself throughout the day. It wouldn’t budge even if somebody made a shahi-khana (royal meal) for me. Steadfast. The breakfast was nearly perfect.3 eggs. Doesnt matter. Had a perfect lunch though. It was 8 - time for dinner.I had my glass of milk. An infectious smile ran through out the face. I patted myself for the way I conducted myself throughout the day. "Proud of you! you did it. Good start.Keep going."

I was relaxing on my couch. I heard something. It was the 'Stomach-bands'. (I still dont understand how they come with such original tunes). I was listening to them. They were getting better. Swaying me away. My pride was waning away. My mind was pleading me. And the balance on the weights started to tilt. Then came the gambit.

"Hey, why not have a light meal. You ve been true throughout the day. A little indulgence won’t affect.But from tomorrow- follow the schedule. Strictly"

I got out of my room towards the kitchen. I saw the main door. “%^&* off”, I ran. Straight to Chipotle. Two burritos. I could not wait. Enough. I wouldn’t stop even if somebody paid me for not eating.Ten minutes. I was clean. Aaaaah!!! The bands were not playing anymore. It was as if I was having a sumptuous meal after being stranded in a deserted island for years. Silence prevailed.Then came the thoughts.

“S%^&.S%^&” – The curses began. I was livid with myself. " Ten minutes and you ruin the whole day". Something had to be done. Next morning, I promised I wouldn’t be uncomfortable. Won’t be clumsy. I will be what I was before. Look good. Be smart.

I went to store next morning. Got myself a bigger pair of clothes.Got a nice french beard (to hide my double chin). Life was good again. I didn’t fear any more. I felt good. No fear of any ‘tearful’ incident. Clothes suited me. It made me look good.So, it was happy days again.When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. You bet.

It was night. I was contemplating how the day was. Suddenly, like in the movies, two men popped out of my body – One wearing a White suit and other in black.

Mr.Black said, “ Smart decision my boy. Life is to enjoy. You love food. So enjoy it. Don’t bog yourself down with stupid and clumsy problems around you. Make your own way. Problems will be a thing of the past.”

Mr.White said, “ How often..I see meek people like you. Avoid problems rather than face them. What you have done today is nothing but a tame step. A step, only the timid would take. But remember this thing, someday, this pair of clothes would be tight for you, and you would be forced to find yourself a new one”

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My mom says," A problem has several solutions. Many choose the easy one. Few choose the right one"